Pretty much all of us are guilty of some of these things, including Dillon Gerde. But Dillon Gerde is here to set the record straight. Dillon Gerde has had enough of his own shit and yours. So here we go. 12 ways to be a fucking dick.
1. Sneak pictures of friends via snapchat
I’ve fallen victim to this with people who use snapchat, and maybe I’m alone on this, but its really fucking irritating to me.
Im not sure exactly why people do this, but I think its either for their own entertainment, or they secretly admire you. Honestly, if you’re using my face instead of your own shitty selfies in an already meaningless activity, something tells me you need more to worry about.
If you actually want a real picture, just fucking ask. Which leads me to the next thing…
2. Take way longer than necessary to take a picture
So now you’ve got my permission. And you drag it out.
Dude. Now I need to give you a play by play of the perfect pair selfie. Turn on your front camera, say something to make us laugh, snap 10 of them, pick the favorite one and move on. This should take under 15 seconds. The longer you drag it out, the more fake everyone looks, and the more likely I’m going to bribe you to not post it on social media.
Maybe a second round is okay if we really fucked it up, but after that, what are you really trying to accomplish? We aren’t in the studio. We’re in your garage. We’re in the woods. We’re on a beach. We’re in the fucking dark. With cellphones. Try again later.
3. Self depreciation guised as a joke
Not gonna lie. Guilty. But recently I realized why it was bad and pretty much removed it from my behavior.
Self depreciation in its purest form is neediness. Especially if its unsolicited. Why else would you care to tell someone how ugly/fat/dumb/klutzy/lame you are? Because you subconsciously want them to prove you wrong and adore you.
Stating a simple fact about your abilities is different. Glorifying it and making it a joke is not.
I think the only time this is okay or actually funny is when you’re relating to someone who is weak or strong in an area of life that you also are, and if its relevant. The actual pleasure you’re experiencing is the connection with another human being, not the glorified inability itself. Used sarcastically I actually think it can be even better.
If not, its needy.
4. Mock people
We all have things about ourselves we don’t necessarily like, maybe its the tone of our natural voice, maybe its our genuine laugh that we can’t seem to do anything about.
And thats just it. We can’t do much about them. They’re things that make us, us. And thats fine. And maybe its some quick friendly banter with someone you love and trust. Thats fine.
Whats not fine is when you go out of your way to belittle people with those characteristics when its uncalled for. Even if you think its actually funny, I can promise people are rolling their eyes.
I’ve witnessed family members do this to each other, and they didn’t seem like they were really enjoying it. The worst is when parents do it to their children. Congratulations on setting up your children on years of insecurities they won’t talk about because you think its funny. Ill forward you my therapists number.
5. Post pictures of baby/cat/dog wearing sunglasses/disproportionate clothing
No, I don’t have a pet or a baby, and clearly I don’t understand.
But yes, everyone who has them believes their young little organism is SSOOOOOO CUTE. And that’s fine. You should. But getting them dressed up for social media is glorifying it and you’re fishing for adoration.
Oh, and would you do that to yourself and post a picture of it?
No, most likely you wouldn’t. So stop being such a douche-noodle. #endthehopelesssuffering
6. Remind people of their past mistakes
Unfortunately, I’ve been subjected to coworkers that like to bring up old shit for the simple pleasure that its funny. And I’ve seen it happen to other people in social settings. In my honest opinion, this is a form of bullying. Picking on people for the simple fact that you find picking on them entertaining. Things come to mind, but thats what, you know, thinking before you talk is for.
Some people do this shit in their romantic relationships too. Kinda like the “score card” thing. Its toxic for a reason.
Something tells me you dwell on your own past too, because we measure people the way we measure ourselves.
The only valid time of this is when they make the same mistake again and it needs to be addressed.
Really, Deborah? You’re going to fuck up the report on the transitional homeostasis of neuron activity in the cerebellum AGAIN? Didn’t this happen last week?
Yeah, DE-BO-RAH. Do your job.
And then move on.
7. Fuck with friends when they fall asleep
Once again, here we are fucking with people for the sake of fucking with them. Congrats, attention whore.
We instinctually know how vulnerable we are during sleep. Thats why we wake up from night mares. Thats why we lock the doors before bed and set an alarm to be on time to work.
The only problem with this one is that most people won’t fight back much when they’re cognizant of whats actually happening, you know, you just being a twat muffin. But when they’re just being awoken, well, say hello to the limbic system and defending themselves physically.
Ive woken up the night after a house party and saw a friend who had dicks drawn on his face. Luckily he wasn’t near a mirror within the first few minutes of waking up.
I went camping once and the oldest person there went for a snooze after fishing, and another individual tickled him because he wanted him to join the festivities. Oh, and did he. He threw is ass right out of the trailer, literally.
Basically, if you do this to your friends, you’re either a pussy, or just no muy inteligente.
Most of us have had a great experience in bed. Most of us have had a horrible experience in bed. Some of us have lots period.
Some of us see financial fortune or succeed in our passion or fall in love or meet a famous person, if that actually even matters.
But heres the thing. When you brag about something, you aren’t proving it to the people around you, you’re proving it to yourself. And some people don’t even realize they’re doing this shit, or they’ll try to guise it as being humble. I know because I did it a few years ago on a regular basis.
And heres how I can tell you’re bragging; you’re not talking about how you feel about whatever topic. You’re talking about you achieving it. Subtle but big difference.
And I’m not saying theres anything wrong with expressing yourself sexually, or about what you’re up to in life. But more times than not when you get to talking about your own numbers of anything to people, you’re bragging. And when you’re bragging, well, yeah.
You’re probably insecure or unsure about your image or status and need reassurance, or validate yourself by how people validate you. Both are unhealthy. Both are obvious to actually confident and open people.
9. “OMG you’ve never heard of ____?!? Everyone knows ____!”
Nope. For some reason that one rock band’s existence missed my eyes and ears up until now. And please don’t tell me you validate yourself and everyone else by your vast knowledge of what is and was “popular”.
There are over 43 million songs on iTunes. It would take you 245 years to listen to all of it, non stop. And thats just music. And it grows at a rate thats literally impossible to keep up with. Thats not including all the underground music on Bandcamp.
What about movies? Books? Tv shows? Blog posts?
Yeah, so we miss out on a few things. And by few I mean just about everything, and we do for years and years. Until that one guy at the bar tells you about how he loves the whatever season of whatever tv show, and you ask what it is. Oops. Just pretend like you’ve heard of it next time. Because you did just now, right?
10. Display biased tastes about art
I did this is my younger years. Thats because I was an immature and inexperienced turd wagon.
The more things I explored, the more things I found I liked and disliked, and the more everything just sort of started to blur together. I discovered that my tastes actually changed with who I was as a person at the time. I hated metal music when I was 11, only to turn out that at 23 I couldn’t imagine my life without it. Now I wonder what I hate now that ill adore in my 40s. Probably loose clothing or something.
Its impossible that you will ever understand everything. Some art forms are going to confuse you. You’re going to wonder why the hell something ever got any kind of following. Short answer: A large enough percentage of the population liked it. Why they liked it isn’t really important. Thats different for every following and every individual in that following, so don’t bother. If you’re really dying to know, find a documentary. Otherwise you aren’t all that curious and just talking shit, so shut up.
Dude, seriously, I don’t know why I like heavy scream-o math-core music, I just do. And you’re not sure about why you like Picassos work, or shoegaze, or ancient pottery. You just do.
I think the reason people do this isn’t because of the art itself, but because of life experiences they associate with said art form.
For the longest time I had a massive hatred of raves and EDM music. *EPIPHANY*; your ex girlfriend was into that kind of music, you got dumped via phone call, and she got back with her raver boyfriend, so yeah, you’re going to associate that with a lot of disdain. Its just music, relax. – Sincerely, your subconscious. Oh.
11. Talk louder than necessary
We all know that one person who talks way louder than necessary. Dude. I’m right here.
Most people have enough awareness to turn up and down their volume. And some people unexpectedly talk louder for no reason. Sometimes its obvious and sometimes its subtle.
Or are they actually doing it for no reason?
Volume is a huge non-verbal detail. While people vary widely on how strong or soft they choose to speak, raising your voice with no change in environment volume means you’re trying to reach further than the person next to you.
If you were being chased through the forest by an attacker, would you whisper for help? The fuck is wrong with you?
You want your voice to be heard. You’re trying to get someone or everyones attention. Sometimes this is purposeful and helpful. Sometimes you’re an attention whore. Try to be the former.
12. Sit on your phone for no reason during a congregation
This one grinds my fucking gears. I can’t help but call people out when they’ve been sitting on their phones for more than 5 minutes in a group. Sometimes I do it, only to realize I’m being really rude.
Sometimes we have texts to send, or notes to take, or something to look up. Perfectly acceptable. But why the fuck are you scrolling Facebook looking at your friends posts when your friends are right in front of you? Fuck you.
If whatever is on your phone is more important than whatever event you’re attending, why the fuck are you there? Just go home. Seriously. Pursue whatever has your prolonged interest, or else you won’t amount to much.
If not, let me snap it in half so we can get to talking about stoic philosophy, looking at the stars, our next life pursuit, and whatever else we’re obsessed about. You know, before your eyes real human connection n’stuff.